Remember me?

Hello, friends.

It's been awhile, yes? It's been a crazy while. We've had some really lovely times, lots of great family moments, including J's first trip to the ocean. We've had some wild times. We've had more than a few rough days. We've had a very full life over the last few months, and it just hasn't come upon me to write. I've had a few things come to mind, but mostly, I was just too busy living, thinking, or feeling to sit and write. (Though sometimes, writing puts that thinking and feeling in its place!) It did occur to me that  you need proof there's more than gloom & doom on this little corner of the internet . . . I have a few ideas in the works, but for now, for those of you who are interested, it's back to my 33 things . . .

Just to beg some grace for my absence, here are 33 things that are happening RIGHT NOW.

(Well, not exactly in this moment right now, but definitely very present and current in my life . . . in no particular order . . .)

It's April.

                                      APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
                                      Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
                                      Memory and desire, stirring
                                      Dull roots with spring rain.
                                                                  --T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land

It's April.
And if you haven't noticed, I haven't written a thing.

Chiaroscuro

Pardon me as I digress from Together on Tuesday and indulge my artistic side . . . the missing posts are pending,even partially written, but this is where my heart is now . . .

Palm Sunday in our Lutheran church is so different than when I was growing up. Back then, it was my favorite. It was a party. Celebration, dancing, waving the palms, all of that good stuff. We didn't enter much into the darkness of the Lenten season, but we loved to celebrate. At Bethlehem, the day is Passion Sunday. We begin with celebrations and hosannas and end in somber reflection on the crucifixion.

This year, on Passion Sunday, after opening with joyful Hosannas, my co-soprano and I sang the opening of Pergolesi's Stabat Mater before the sermon. Pastor read the gospel, from the triumphant entry to Jerusalem, through the trial and mocking and torment and misery, to the final breath on the cross. And then, we sang The Mother, grieving, stood beside the cross, weeping, while there hung her Son. 

I don't think either of us fully engaged emotionally with this piece until it was time to sing it in the service. That was self-preservation . . . it's haunting, beautiful, and profoundly, painfully sad. And when we finished, both of us were visibly moved, as were many around us.

What could be more raw and real than a mother weeping . . no, wailing . . . for her son?

Since my brother died, nearly 11 years ago, this story has had more power than ever before.
Since I became a mother myself, I can hardly take it.

But Sunday, I understood the contrast of Passion Sunday, and of all of Lent and Easter, in a new way.

On Ash Wednesday, we say "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." We then, by choice, walk together in a period of darkness, towards the light.

In art, chiaroscuro is the way light and shade play together to create dimension, contrast. In singing, chiaroscuro is the balance of a clear, bright, bell-like resonance with a rich, warm, velvet tone. Without the dark, the light is strident, white, jarring. You can't even see it, or you don't want to hear it. Darkness is a part of art, and darkness is a part of life.

As a mom, I am still working on managing scary intrusive thoughts about the world and my sweet little boy in it. I wouldn't have considered myself a fearful person before, but on the wrong day in the wrong mood with the wrong input, I find myself deflecting thoughts of all kinds of frightening dark scenarios. I have my tips and tricks for chasing them off, but my experience tells me that darkness is very real and often, in many ways, out of my control. When it shows up, it happens just like Passion Sunday . . . and it knocks the wind out of us, to put it mildly.

BUT. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. And that is the story of Easter. A mother, and a father, loved their son, watched him grow, watched him do amazing things, watched him struggle, watched him suffer, watched him die, and lived without him . . . and then lived a miracle, and watched him change the world.

It's so easy to live in the dark, or to live with a fear of the dark. Lent helps us understand the dark, find the beauty there, and face the ugliness head-on--with our light. And Lent always, ALWAYS leads to Easter. Every time. Even when we can't see how. Even when the worst possibility has happened. The light redeems the darkness. The light was here before, and the light is coming again. The light will win, every time.

So, at Easter, I will celebrate the light in my little one, and in my own soul, and in the hearts of those around me. I am grateful for another moment, day, year of carrying that light to the dark places, and I keep the faith that redemption is stronger than pain. All will be well . . . the light will win.

ToT: RAOK

SO.

Today was a Random Act of Kindness challenge. As in do one, then write about it.

A little background . . .

This one was my idea, for a few reasons. Random Acts of Kindness (RAOK) kind of came back into my view following the Sandy Hook tragedy . . . as in do an act of kindness in honor of each life lost. It's a lovely way to attempt to find the light in a dark situation, I think. It got me thinking . . . I've been doing more than my share of navel gazing over the last couple of years. I'm all for introspection and self-awareness--I believe it makes us better people and therefore makes the world a better place--but the balance has been off. There is plenty of mess and muck to trudge through, and I've made it my career to do so in hopes of making an impact, but it gets awfully heavy sometimes. I wanted to challenge myself to find simple, light-hearted ways to make the world a better place.

I've often thought of little ideas here or there that might be fun, but actually doing them is a different story. Absent-mindedness or laziness sets in, distractions arise, doubts surface, or whatever the reason, many of my so-called good ideas go undone. So what good are they, really? Then there's the whole 'random' aspect. Intentional acts of kindness ring a bit more true to me . . . seeking out a particular person in a particular situation to share a particular something is more my style. And, lots of things people categorize as 'random acts of kindness' seem like just common courtesy . . . you know, like smiling at the check-out clerk.

So, choosing a 'random act of kindness,' meaning some kind of gesture for someone I don't know intended to brighten their day, became the task. If you're an extrovert, maybe this is not daunting at all. In theory, I didn't think it would be either, until it was actually time to DO it. Lots of typical ideas didn't sit right with me . . . I don't go through drive-throughs often at all. Or I convinced myself there were all kinds of logistical reasons I couldn't pull it off, lugging a toddler around. (Again, I just have the one kid--I admire all of you mamas out there with more!) It felt almost awkward, surprisingly, to think about how to do something kind and out-of-the-ordinary without fumbling around . . . Or it just didn't seem special enough, BIG enough, worth writing about.

And then I realized I was doing it again . . . letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. As fellow blogger Danielle's husband (and a stand-up guy from back in high school) said, "Sometimes DONE is better than PERFECT." I could spend days coming up with some elaborate scheme, or I could just brighten someone's day.

You can download free printables at thirtyhandmadedays.com

So, I just looked in front of me and started there. It has been awfully icky outside, and we have a little stash of Starbucks cards inside, and our mail carrier brings us all kinds of wonderful things like magazines and baby shoes and Etsy packages through all kinds of weather, and warm beverages are cozy and comforting. So I fixed up a little thank you card, added a ribbon to hang it and make it kind of special, threw the gift card inside along with one of the cards to the right (thank you, Pinterest and thirtyhandmadedays.com), hung it on our mailbox, and there you have it.

I don't remember speaking with the mail carrier but once previously, as I happened to be leaving for a run as he was arriving. So he was definitely a stranger. And when the card had awkwardly fallen on the ground before he arrived, he had to awkwardly ring the bell and ask if it was for him--to which I un-awkwardly (by sheer determination) said yes, it was, just a little something. He said thank you, something is better than nothing (he meant that kindly, I think), and went along about his day.

Honestly, this was about the lowest-effort RAOK I could have pulled off. Part of me feels guilty about this. Part of me thinks I should have found something spectacular. Part of me thinks if this was so simple, why did it take nearly 8 years of living here before I left the mailman a thank you?

And most of me realizes that is a silly reason to feel guilty--as well as a good reason to change that moving forward. No more *thinking* about baking cookies to take to the new neighbors, just do it! No more hemming and hawing over small gestures because we're not sure how they will be received . . . if they are done in kindness and respect, and the recipient is treated in kindness and respect regardless of their response, that's what matters.

I do have a few more ideas about some RAOKs and intentional acts of kindness that I would like to do moving forward. I loved an idea I read--taping quarters to the children's vending machines at the store. I've had a few ideas on how to brighten the workday at the office. And who knows, maybe I will get a flash of genius about a witty, creative, delightful RAOK to put together with more planning and effort. Maybe I won't. Either way, I believe that small gestures can have a big impact, sometimes cumulatively as the smiles ripple throughout the day, or sometimes all on their own. I want James to believe this, too. So together, as a family, we seek to intentionally share kindness in our world, in the little things every day. It's just good for everyone.

I can't wait to hear the thoughts of the other ToT ladies. Check out the links to the right!

What about you? Have you ever been on the receiving end of one of these RAOKs? Do tell!

ToT: Super Women!

I am fully aware I missed last week . . . it happens. But instead of being perpetually behind, I am just going to jump right in to this week and add last week's topic to the interminable list of 

posts I've written only my mind. One day I will actually write it on this blog. Maybe.

 That's the goal.

This week, in honor of International Women's Day, I had a few ideas . . . writing about women who inspire us, women's issues dear to our hearts, looking back at the women who came before us . . . a few others, too. But instead, we're going practical and light-hearted. Since I find each of our Together on Tuesday bloggers to be Super Women in their own rights, I wanted some of their secrets! And since we're all human, I wanted the shortcuts, too. I'm really looking forward to hearing what these ladies have to say!

ToT: The Fur Babies

Before we had a child, I was CERTAIN I wouldn't be one of those people who neglects their animals after the baby is born. POSITIVE.

Hmph. Easier said than done, but to some degree, we've pulled it off. We figure these poor guys have to get through a couple of years of being pretty low on the totem pole, but in exchange they'll have cuddles from Peanut for years to come.

Meet Arthur.

 

He is a furball and a half. He is an extremely smart cat, and extremely well-behaved. Shockingly, really. We got him in 2005. Ben thought he wanted to get a kitten, to start from scratch . . . until he saw a kitten. Cute, of course, but wild! Ben had never had a cat before, and I think he was ready to give it up, until we saw this guy. He immediately snuggled up to us through the cage, and we knew he was ours. The name on the cage was Ishi, and his previous vet bills called him Tigger. It's as if these people never even met him before! He was clearly an intellectual, with refined tastes, who preferred an old library to running around. Since he's so literary, his name is Arthur Pendragon Weasley Clark. (Yep, mixed a classic and a pop indulgence there.) He has red hair, for pity's sake. The triangle on his head (and other behaviors) indicate he is part Turkish Van, but his looooong hair and cuddliness make me wonder if he is part ragdoll. We think he was 2-3 years old when we got him, but he has always been an old soul. He's a snuggler (the most affectionate cat I've ever known--ask anyone who's had him sit on their head) and he was a perfect fit for us.

Then came Rigby.

Ugh, how humiliating. Poor Rigs.

I was fine with just the one cat, though I sort of felt that we could give another animal a good home, so we should. Rigby was wandering around someone's yard, and a friend picked him up. He was a kitten--maybe an adolescent--at the time. They loved him and said if there was ever a cat for them, this was the one--but their pugs kept eating the litter. Gross. Ben was sure it was a great idea, so here he came. And Ben was right. He and Arthur became fast friends (after some hierarchical negotiations). We always thought we would name our next cat Franklin, but it was specified his name must remain Rigby. My historian Beatles-loving husband and I came up with the ridiculous name Franklin Delanor Rigby Clark. Yes, folks, we are that cheesy. He is our street thug kitty, and he acts kind of like a dog sometimes--though he has become more cat-like in his old age. Somewhat. He's the only cat I know who falls down on a regular basis. When he's not sneaking water out of my glass, he's chasing imaginary insects or running laps around the house. He's a sweet guy with some anxiety disorder to go with his attachment disturbance. Possibly psychosis as well.

Yes, I diagnose my cats. Arthur was originally abandoned when his previous home had a baby, so I was very careful to navigate that trauma trigger for him--until the baby was born and reality set in. Rigby definitely is on an attachment disorder spectrum (not conventional clinical speak here but I think it's a spectrum!), based on his early neglect and abandonment. (I sound like I'm kidding, and I am a little bit, but I think there's some truth to all of this!) One year, we got held up in New York on our way home from Russia and were gone over 2 weeks (as opposed to 10 days), and even my mom believes he's been a different cat ever since. We're still rebuilding the trust from that one, I think.

These poor guys get a lot less attention from us than they used to, and they put up with a lot more noise and someone who is extremely fascinated with their fur and tails. But at the end of the day, we still love our boys. These guys have become pretty high maintenance, as far as cats are concerned. For pity's sake, Arthur had a tooth pulled the first year we had him--he has the cutest little hole in his mouth. And Rigby used up one of his lives when James was 3 weeks old . . . after a weekend of unpleasantness, we found out he had a bladder blockage and would die unless we took him to the kitty hospital, and even that was a longshot. We have feared this and taken him to the kitty ER a couple of times over the years only to be out a nice stack of cash and get sent home with some silly medicine he hates to take. But this time, it was legit. He was in kidney failure, but God love Noah Animal Hospital, after 3 days of IVs (and what some would consider a ridiculous bill), he was back. He is currently sponging my belly, blocking my view, and attempting to sit on my arms. Thanks to absurdly priced prescription food, we have had no issues since . . . a miracle of modern veterinary medicine, I'm sure. And poor Arthur seems to be getting old. He is stuck on Rigby's bladder and kidney food, since these guys can't keep to their own bowls, and it has made him heavy. He's popped up with his own unpleasant digestive issues over the past year or so, to the point we've had to cancel plans and deal with it. He has been sick today, digestive stuff, lethargic, and not eating. He's perked up some this evening, but I think he is going to the vet tomorrow. And I will hope my little snuggler has more kitty life left in him.

Yes, the kitties can be pains in the tuchus sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. If they weren't with us, who knows where they would be, and I daresay even with the changes since J was born, they like it here. And we like them. There are studies galore saying that pet owners are happier, have less stress, all kinds of stuff. Like most good things in life, it's a bit more work, but the payoff is worth it.

I wrote a bit about shelter animals before, and I will say it again: if you're considering a pet, and I hope you do, PLEASE do your research. Most breeders and pet shops perpetuate misery, it's just a fact. There are so many animals who need homes! ARPO is great at matching particular animals with your needs, to make it a good fit. Most breeds have rescue groups, and most shelters want to help you find the right animal for your family. We were planning to get a therapy dog a couple of years back, but we had a baby instead. We'll probably go through ARPO to get J a buddy after we move, and I'll choose one ready for therapy training. A well-behaved dog who can help someone . . . that's my style.

Lots of our ToT bloggers are pet lovers--check out the links to the right for more animal love!

ToT: Happy Valentime's!

For me, having a kid has brought new spark to holidays. ANY of them. "Aww, it's his first President's Day!" (Being married to an historian has its quirks.) This week is wild. . . Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, and Valentine's Day, all in a row. Bizarre.

Usually, Ben and I celebrate anything for at least a week. We have birthday weeks, anniversary weeks, Valentine's week, you get it. We're not terribly extravagant, but we like the little things. Usually, we would celebrate Valentine's with a fancy-ish date (often not terribly expensive), a cozy date, a cuddle-up-on-the couch date, a little gift exchange and some yummy homemade chocolate confection. We've even been known to escape to a little inn, just for fun.

Last year, we had an infant. Neither of us can remember what we did. We can remember at least 8 of our previous 10 Valentine's Days, but we cannot remember last year. Wow.

I know Valentine's is a "Hallmark Holiday," but I don't care. I don't have to give Hallmark any money to celebrate the love in my life! (Sidebar: have you noticed you can pay as much as you want to for a Valentine's card? I saw a whole row of $8 cards . . . at Walgreen's, for pity's sake!) I used to be more reserved about holidays, but not anymore. I've been known to send Valentines to grandparents, order flowers for friends, bake treats for the office, wear a red sweater or heart or rose earrings, that sort of thing.  I like loving people, and I'm pretty grateful for the people I love, so I'll take the excuse to celebrate it.

This year, that infant is a toddler, and he is a LOT of fun. So this year we are celebrating loving him, and we have some making up to do for last year, apparently.

First, I bought some cheesy decorations. Peanuts, of course . . . the kid loves "Boopy" (who is quickly becoming "Soopy"). I got a Pooh Beah too. I splurged and spent about $4.80 total on these. Then, I got really fancy and made a wreath. (Something has happened to me as a mother . . . I used to be just about the least crafty person I know.) I love this wreath . . . simple and fun and wintery enough to use beyond February. Who knew. Then, we planned Valentine's week

I think this qualifies as my first craft as an adult, aside from cakes or party stuff.
Had to add the gray, a little nod to the Buckeyes, of course.
(Thank you, Pinterest.)

My husband took me out on a real date, fancy wine and everything. LOVED it. It was a great night, much needed. And the kid woke up soon after we got home and stayed up for 2 hours . . . through his bleary eyes he said "mama be back," which tells me he was trying to wake up so he could see us  and know we were home. Clearly we need to get a nighttime sitter more often . . .Anyway, that was a great night regardless. We have family nights just about every night this week. Tuesday I go to my work Valentine's party. (This is a party for our clients, young adults with intellectual disabilities. It's going to be a blast and I can't wait.) Then it's home for pancakes Tuesday night for Mardi Gras, imposition of ashes on Wednesday, and Valentine's Day on Thursday.  I have a little something to give the men in my life. (I kinda rocked the husband's Valentine's gift this year, I won't lie. But it's also our 10 year anniversary this year.) We'll have a cozy family dinner and eat some little treats, and we'll share lots of cuddles and kisses and appreciation for how much we love each other. There might be a dance party, there usually is. And yes, Ben and & I will cuddle up in front of the TV . . . it's our Thursday TV date, standing for years now. (And it's his first Thursday since 30 Rock ended, so he will need some extra support . . . ) Friday is family movie night (in snippets), so J will get to watch more Peanuts Valentine's shows, and then Saturday his daycare has a parents' night out, so we'll grab a quick and cozy date after some time with friends.

Phew. Really, we are not fancy . . . though we are being a little fancier this year, to make up for whatever happened last year. We're just trying to celebrate all day, every day. As he gets older, I hope James can view Valentine's Day as an excuse to make sure people know they are loved . . . but I also hope he does that every day, throughout the year. To me, Valentine's Day is just a chance to make things a little bit special.

(Just Living tidbit . . . please consider fair trade chocolate for your Valentines this year, like Endangered Species (an Indiana company!) or Divine and or some other ethical brand, and let bakeries and specialty shops know they can do the same. We can love chocolate farmers, too.)

What about you? Our ToT Bloggers have some other great traditions . . . check them out!

ToT: Bucket List

Every once in awhile, it hits me that for all my perfectionism and detail obsession, I am not a long-term planner. I was not the little girl who dreamed of my wedding or being a mother; whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I didn't have an answer. I can be almost neurotic about doing my best in the moment and setting myself up for success, but I'm not always sure what the goal is, for good or for ill.

So, I don't have much of a bucket list. Many of my hopes and dreams are intangible . . . world peace and justice and happiness and all of that. Some of my hopes are well beyond my control and are more about faith. Some are extremely mundane. The vast majority of my hopes are about the people I love . . . watching my boy grow up healthy, strong, and happy, seeing my parents thrive well into the years, living in love with my husband for the rest of our long lives, celebrating joys with dear friends . . . with family, love, and laughter all over the place.

That said . . . there are a few things I've always wanted to do, some of which I just discovered. (Thank you, Together on Tuesday! Check out the links to the right for more ideas.) Here is my completely tangible, and personal (not idealogical), Bucket List.

ToT: Secondhand Shopping

Secondhand shopping is such an excellent, ethical choice . . . I love it.

-It reduces environmental impact: fewer materials and less waste (both the product itself and the manufacturing), fewer shipping emissions, saves landfill space, etc.
-It supports local economy.
-It reduces the demand of new production of items and sends a message to manufacturers that more is not always more. Down with consumerism!
-It reduces the demand for items that may have been sourced or manufactured in slave conditions.
-It often supports job creation for small businesses or individuals who may not have many other opportunities. (Goodwill, for example, hires a number of employees with intellectual disabilities.)
-You can find all kinds of crazy stuff you wouldn't find elsewhere.
-You can usually get a good bargain.

ToT: Reading List

Ok, so it's Together on Tuesday, on Wednesday. 

When I was a kid, I read ALL. THE. TIME. I was a big reading nerd. I learned how to read when I was 3 or something--my mom says I was mad that everyone else could read and I couldn't. Plus, I wanted to read constantly, and sometimes mamas have to do something else. I would check mountains of books out of the library. We went to bed early every Monday night (my parents' stay-home date night)--as long as we were in our room, we were OK. So, every Monday, there I was with a stack of books and I would read until my eyes wouldn't stay open.

Looking back, I realized I read a lot of books about spunky young ladies who were in less-than-deal family situations, often orphaned in some way, who found a way to thrive with some help from someone who loved them. Think Anne of Green Gables, A Little Princess, Pippi Longstocking, Polyanna, that sort of thing. I guess it starts early.Thanks, Mom.

ToT: Last Year, This Year

Hello, 2013.

Last year was challenging, inspiring, surprising, healing, tiring, fun, so many things.
It was also pretty tough.

ToT Returns!

Together on Tuesday is back!

I still have some catch-up posts to do (and they are floating around in my head!), but I'm forging onward! Let Together on Tuesday 2013 commence!

Many of the ToT ladies are posting a photo a day. I know myself better than to promise anything like that--that isn't happening. I WISH I loved (or was good at) taking photos. I love having the photos, but I find the whole process daunting . . . remembering to take them, getting a good shot, uploading, editing, storing, ordering, sharing, displaying . . . not my forte. That's why there's Purple Peaches Photography! But I digress.

I am taking more photos, really I am. I am planning to post more of them--grandmas like that :). And I am planning to post a photo year in review . . .that is still coming! But there will be no daily photos from me.

There WILL be plenty of Together on Tuesday posts, on topics shared with the ladies to the right--Charlotte at The Dog Days of Life, Danielle at My Peaches and Cream, Michelle at After 9 and Some Weekends, and Nancy at Purple Peaches. (There are some other ladies as well, but I haven't heard if they are still on the train . . . ) It really is pretty great to blog along with encouraging women--and it's good motivation to keep writing, which is good for the soul (at least for my soul). If you're interested in joining in, we'd love to have you! Just comment below and we'll get you connected.

I have a few Just Living posts in mind, too . . . you know, about the little ways anyone can change the world. I tend to write ToT with the Just Living bent, but I have a few more things to share here and there. My social worker mind never shuts down . . . I love thinking about this, but sitting down to write becomes the challenge. I'd love to hear from anyone on this, too--guest posts are welcome, comments, thoughts, ideas, questions, you name it.

So that's that. Thank you for reading--I hope you'll stay on and join in when the spirit moves!