Together on Tuesday: Keeping in Touch

I am so thankful to have wonderful friends. And all of my friends have wonderfully full lives. I think of my friends so often--much more often than I make contact, and certainly more often than I see them. This week's Together on Tuesday topic has me thinking about creative ways to keep in touch.

Most people think I'm an extrovert. It's been this way all of my life. I'm comfortable enough in a crowd, I apparently smile a lot (so I'm told), and I talk way. too. much. But here's the thing: I'm not. I am not, nor do I think I have ever been, an extrovert. After a big to-do, I am found at home, crashing, either in solitude or with my even more introverted husband. I need my downtime to recharge--my theory is I have a deficit after my crazy-busy high school and college years (which went on for 3 degrees!). I never feel quite like myself in a big group of people--unless I have something keeping me busy, which is why I often end up in the kitchen. I have always preferred the intimacy of one-to-one conversation or a small gathering to the boisterous fun of a party.

I think this may be one reason why my friends don't really know each other too well . . . interesting. I tend to keep in touch with my friends one-on-one, for the most part. And while I love tradition, I realize that I have very few traditions with my friends. Time to change that, I think.

Being a mom changes everything (right?). I have my lovely little guy, and we have a ton of fun together, and he takes a LOT of time. But more than that, my schedule is completely rocked . . . I am still working on getting a rhythm going, balancing part-time work and mommyhood and other tasks. And I spend a lot of time with family, which I love. These days, seeing friends is requiring more planning and forethought than ever before.

One of the best friends a gal could ask for lives about 7 minutes away and has for most of my life. I love her to bits, and her family is pretty great too. We were in a pretty solid rhythm of hanging out about once a week, often with our husbands and her kiddo. The last year brought changes neither of us could have imagined . . . some amazing, and some beyond heartbreaking. We still stay in touch every way you can think of--phone chats, email, Facebook, and every week or so we grab some time together, but life has knocked us off of our old rhythm. We'll see what happens when her twins come and rock her world even more! We'll find a way, though. We always have, even after 27 years. Lucky, lucky me.

Another great friend I've been lucky enough to have since I was 12 has also had a whirlwind of a year. We are both so busy--for once, she is more than I am--and our Saturday brunches or Sunday afternoon football games have been fewer and farther between. Time to send a quick note. Then there are my out-of-town friends. One of the best outcomes of my crazy undergrad experience was another once-in-a-lifetime friendship. We haven't lived in the same town for 10 years now, but it doesn't matter. We trade voicemails a lot, and we trade a few weekends every year--either she comes here or I go to Chicago. I'm looking forward to Peanut's first of many trips to Lincoln Park Zoo this summer.

Then there are the social worky friends, current and former co-workers, for whom I am SO grateful. In my field, you need good people around who understand the craziness and can help keep your head up. One lovely lady I worked with a few years back started a book club with another of our friends and some great people from her current job, and we get together monthly to eat, catch up, and sometimes discuss the book :). We chat throughout the month as well, about everything from our family lives to just about every topic on this blog. In fact, conversations with her sparked Just Living.

What else . . . a few of us from high school used to have a monthly dinner club with our husbands, that was pretty fun (especially when we introduced them to a true Russian dinner party!). Different friends and I have different lunch dates we tend to recycle, which is kind of like a tradition, right? Now that I've joined the mommy club, I've connected with some other mamas in various settings, and it has been fun to trade tips and watch our babies grow. And who can forget Facebook, which I was so reluctant to join (as a closeted introvert) but which has proved pretty useful in keeping up and reconnecting with good people. If it wasn't for Facebook, I might not be in this Together on Tuesday brigade!

So as it turns out, maybe I have a few more traditions than I think I do, they are just simple--which is just the way I like it. I like finding rhythm in life, too, which is why settling into more regular contact sounds quite nice, I think. I am pretty stinkin' blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I want to make the most of that and show them just how much I appreciate them. :)

Check out Nan, Danielle, Michelle, and Charlotte to see how they keep up with the special people in their worlds.

Wednesday Wisdom

"In a gentle way, you can shake the world."

--Mahatma Gandhi



Together on Tuesday: MONEY

Ah, money. I've always found it rather . . . well . . . blah. Money is not interesting to me at all. In high school philosophy, I wrote some obnoxious paper about how we should all revert to the barter system because money was ruining everything. While I've grown up a bit, I am still not just that motivated by money. (Clearly . . . I am a social worker married to an historian. On purpose.) For us, money is simply a tool to help us build the life we want--which is funny, because probably people who like money feel the same way.

So how do we manage it?

First, I must say we are blessed that we have very little financial stress. There is enough compatibility between our income and our lifestyle to allow us the luxury of not obsessing about money. Are we rich? See above . . . NO. But we live below our means and we have enough. I cannot overstate how thankful we are for this. After spending plenty of time with people who have no choice but to spend a LOT of time thinking about acquiring cash and paying bills, this is not to be taken for granted.

Second, it is very important to us that we use our money to live out our values of social justice, care for people and the environment, and simplicity. Unfortunately, in this culture, this is a decidedly not-simple task (hence this entire blog!). Just about everything on the market in the US today is a product of someone else's blood, sweat, and tears. While I used to be an expert bargain shopper/couponer, and I became very efficient, I realized that type of shopping didn't allow me to purchase items I felt good about. So while I don't like to spend a lot of time thinking about money, I have to spend a lot of time thinking about how I spend it if I want to live my values. Sometimes I can pull this off. Other times, I fail miserably (she says with grace for her own shortcomings).

One thing we kind of love around here: our "dumb money:"

At one point, there was an undisclosed amount of money spent by an undisclosed family member each month on an undisclosed vice . . . and while said family member was enjoying his daily coffee and scones, his wife was spending too many lunch breaks at Target. Since we don't fight about money (truly! so thankful!) and didn't intend to start, we instituted "dumb money." It's basically an allowance that we don't have to account for, so even if the other spouse thinks the purchase is dumb, they aren't allowed to say so. We love it.

So while some things are working for us, we could manage our money a LOT better.

We used to have a tight budget, by necessity since one of us was in school for the majority of our marriage. Our income has fluctuated so much that the budget no longer matches . . . and we sure have gotten lax really paying attention to where that money flows. Time for a new one. For years I managed the money, then Ben took over. (We realized it wasn't a great idea for one of us to be completely in the dark about the day-to-day activities like paying bills, etc.) Now we have a hybrid system, where we kind of tag team . . . and while this works most of the time, sometimes it leads to a comedy of errors: "I thought you paid it!" "But I thought YOU paid it!", repeat ad nauseam. (I exaggerate . . . things get paid on time, but it does get a little silly around here.) I have never had any luck with these supposedly helpful financial software/websites, and we have yet to find a management system that works well enough that we really stay on top of it. And while my wonderful husband has put some effort into boring things like investments and retirement account, I am still pretty clueless, and I am pretty sure we could be smarter about some of this stuff. So we are thinking it's time to tighten ship around here. Or so we have been saying for months and months . . . have I mentioned how a baby changes everything?

Said baby makes it even more important that we sharpen our financial situation. I would love to learn some simple, efficient ways to manage budgeting. (Comments welcome!) I would be thrilled if money played an even smaller part in our life . . . we are on a path to simplifying even further, as I am working part time and we are whittling unneeded expenses. This will make space and time for the things that are most important to us . . . which, to me, is the best use of money there is.

Here's hoping that my Together on Tuesdays ladies have some ideas for me . . .check out Nancy, Danielle, Michelle, and Charlotte for more money talk!

Wednesday Wisdom

"Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic!"

--Rosalind Russell

Together on Tuesday: There's No Place Like Home

Home is where the heart is . . . home is wherever I'm with you . . . home sweet home. I've been thinking more about home lately . . . well, more about houses and where we'd like to live for the next chunk of our life. And babies change everything.

I wish I had studied abroad in college. I can't think of a better time to live somewhere else. Now, as a married woman, and especially as a mama, it is all but off the table. I still dream of it. I've had flashes of moving here countless times:

This is our Russian home, Sovietsk, in Kirov region. It's beautiful. Life is slower, though not always simpler. The people are warm and welcoming, and we love the children who live here with all our hearts. Daydreams often take me here.

I've always had the travel bug, and though I travel much less than I would like, everywhere I go I imagine living there. I could see myself bounding around, as long as I had my people with me. Life near mountains . . . or water . . . or in a slower-paced culture, away from materialism . . . it's all very appealing.

So if the opportunity came to move to some wonderful destination, would we take it?

The payoff would have to be amazing, and we would have to have finances and schedules that allowed frequent, regular trips to family. And even then, I'm not convinced we would say yes. Reality almost never lives up to the dream, and building a life away from treasured family and friends requires a lot of sacrifice. We've lived somewhere where we knew no one, and we said it would take a LOT for us to do that again. If I could teleport--my superpower of choice--this conversation would be SO different. But I can't.

My son needs stability and roots. He needs grandparents nearby, aunts & uncles, cousins, friends. He needs a sense of home. I was lucky enough to grow up with one. No way would I take that from him. So would I leave home for greener pastures? Never say never, but right now . . . No.

Indianapolis is my home, and it has been Ben's home for 7 years now. It gets a bad rap, but I love it, and it keeps getting better. (Though for the record . . . more innovative vegetarian restaurants couldn't hurt!) My people are here, and Ben's family is in easy driving distance. I could easily list what I love and what I could use more of in Indianapolis, but I think I'm going to focus on the house itself. Now we live in a little ranch in Beech Grove, and we are pondering moving on . . . staying home, in Indianapolis, but finding a new little nest to call our own.

We don't want to lose some of the things we love about our current nest: safe, walkable neighborhood (where we can literally run out to the store at just about any time), nice backyard for the boy and the garden, good neighbors, 10 minutes from downtown, close to grandparents and friends. But we wouldn't mind losing the busy street, one little bathroom, two little bedrooms, and nowhere sneaky to hide the litter box. (Eww.)

For years Ben and I have been eyeing downtown living, Fountain Square, Irvington, or SoBro/Meridian Kessler/Butler Tarkington neighborhoods. We love the vibe of older homes, and we believe in using existing structures to their fullest instead of building new. We want a diverse neighborhood, in many senses of the word. We want to be in walking distance to parks, groceries, food and entertainment, and even friends. We are weighing driving--to work, to church, to grandparents and friends--in terms of time, money, and environmental impact. If we could find a home that minimized energy use and maximized natural light, that would be great. If we could find an older home that was affordable, ready to go, and didn't require much upkeep, that would be a miracle.

What's crazy to us is we are finding quite a bit of that in a neighborhood we never imagined . . . the good ol' subdivision. Yep, we're considering it, quite seriously. While the one we're considering isn't in walking distance to stores, that is pretty much the only thing missing from our list. And it happens to have a pretty great family already living there.

We don't ask for a lot, we just want a simple home where we can focus on what really matters to us . . . you know, just living. So, it just may be that this little boy is moving me from wild dreams of living abroad to a little subdivision where he can ride his bike and play with his friends. And that is perfectly OK with me.

Check out Charlotte, Danielle, Michelle, and Nancy to see if the grass is greener on the other side of their fences.

Wednesday Wisdom

Well, well, what do we have here . . .
I'm back.

If you hadn't noticed, I was gone awhile. My last post was 18 days before this happened . . .

And my world was rocked. And I love this guy to bits.
And a few other things happened, and 6 months flew by . . .

And now I have a busy, mobile 8 month old with two teeth and the best belly laugh you've ever heard.

 I've always known motherhood wasn't for wimps, but this is no joke. My mind is blown, and I am learning constantly. Sometimes I'm learning lessons I thought I already nailed, like . . . .

"The perfect is the enemy of the good."   --Voltaire

You would think a classical singer/social worker would have figured out by now that perfectionism is not terribly productive. But old habits die hard . . . so this mama reignited her neurotic pursuit of complete mastery of all things.

Not. Helpful.

When your husband takes all of your baby books and locks them on a high shelf . . . and you're only 5 feet tall . . . you better come up with another plan.

Time to reconnect with the core of me and get to know the new me. Time to take care of body, mind, and spirit, and time to tune in to that famous mother's intuition.

One simple way to do some of this is blogging again--here and with our Russian friends, of course. And when I saw my dear friend Nancy had reconnected with some lovely ladies from high school, Danielle and Michelle, it was a perfect (ugh, there it is again!) opportunity. They, along with Charlotte, have challenged each other to blog together every Tuesday. Perfection not required. So, I'm in. Not this week, I couldn't pull it off, but that's OK! (See what I did there?) My plan is to get a quick post up at least every Tuesday, in whatever form it comes.

So, I'll be blogging our shared Together on Tuesday topics from a Just Living perspective . . . social justice and the like. I'm also thinking about Just Living in a new way, with my little one here. Just Living . . . as in simply living . . . as in making space for my child to soak all the joy out of life while making the world a better place. As in wondering how to preserve the sanctity of childhood in this crazy world. As in learning how to simply breathe and accept that while we can change our worlds in many ways, there are some times you just have to trust everything will be OK.

So, I'm back to blogging, and I'm on my way back to just living. Glad you're along for the ride. :)



Wenesday Wisdom

This one was flying around Facebook today, and I have found it to be especially true lately:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

-Plato

Wednesday Wisdom

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."

-Dalai Lama

water waste

When thinking about Lent this year, one of the top running disciplines we considered focusing on was our relationship with water. We went a different route this year, but I really, REALLY think it is time for the Clarks to start paying attention.

Full confession: water shortage is an issue I have done very little to address in my personal life. But plentiful, clean water is something we take for granted in the US. And clean water is a justice issue.

For example, worldwide:

-One in eight people lack access to clean water.

-Women in particular spend hours and hours collecting water--missing school and other opportunities and endangering their health and safety.

-Every 20 seconds, a child dies from a water-related disease. We're talking infection, parasites, diarrhea, basic stuff. And in the course of writing this post, 30 children will have died.

-A 5-minute shower in the US uses more water than the typical person living in a 3rd world slum uses in one day!

This and other info is rampant on http://www.water.org/, a charity that works to address these issues around the world.

While I am aware of this, and familiar with it, and while I try to be mindful of avoiding waste in what I purchase or what I do, I have a long way to go until I can say I am having a positive impact on this issue. Maybe we don't water the lawn around here, but I take a notoriously long time in the shower . . . perhaps from my childhood growing up with little privacy, in a somewhat cold house with just a bathtub. (It was a warm, cozy place for an introvert disguised as an extravert. ) Just one example.

Will taking a shorter shower impact the global water situation? I can't say. But it will make a difference around here, and our current water use in this country is not sustainable. Our water is not as clean or plentiful as many of us, myself included, think it is. Think about the gazillion products most of us contribute to the water supply on a daily basis . . . check out any of my posts labeled chemicals to read more, or do some searching for yourself. I have a lot of searching and learning left to do on this matter. I am planning to read Unquenchable by Robert Glennon to learn a bit more.

What about you? What can you teach the rest of us? What are some simple, daily ways we can change our water habits to impact the world towards justice?

Wednesday Wisdom

"We fear that we are inadequate, but our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be these things? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people around you won't feel insecure. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically releases others."

-Nelson Mandela

Wednesday Wisdom

Today kind of chewed me up and spit me out. Actually, the whole week has been kind of rough. All in a day's work, really, but sometimes it becomes a bit much. A client was hospitalized, had to file a child abuse report, cussed out by a mental health patient, teenager joined a gang, a young lady is in a dangerous relationship, a client newly homeless, and I absorbed the full brunt of a 6-year-old meltdown. Not to mention lots of missed appointments and fresh budget cuts at work. This doesn't include my colleagues' icky weeks! All of this is manageable, and really there is more hope in each of these situations than this simple list would convey, it can just add up and weigh me down after awhile. My goal is to get through tomorrow without any yelling, swearing, or tears. I've made it so far, I just need my clients to get on board. Then we can get to work making things better!

In the meantime, as my lovely colleage Sarah says, quoting Finding Nemo like the brilliant child therapist she is,

Just keep swimming.

Red/Black

I love being married to smarty-pants, socially-minded historian. That means that on Father's Day, which also happened to be Juneteenth this year, we spent the day at the Red/Black exhibit at the Eiteljorg Museum. We've been meaning to go since it opened. It's one of those fascinating places where our two disciplines meet. In fact, opening day hosted lectures from historians and social workers alike. It was fascinating! But more on that later.

First, Juneteenth? Yes, this is one of those interesting and important days I had never heard of until I was married to this smarty-pants guy. It turns out Juneteenth is the oldest commemorative date for celebrating the end of slavery in the US. Pretty important! I'll leave it to you to learn more, if you're interested. In this house, where studying the effects of slavery on 20th century African Americans and dealing with long-term effects of oppression are regular occurances, Juneteenth gets some notice. Not to mention the millions of people still enslaved today, but more on THAT later too.

Lucinda Davis, 1937, former slave of the Creek tribe, from Library of Congress

So, we FINALLY went to Red/Black, third trimester and all. It was worth it. Eiteljorg is the museum of Native American history, and this exhibit explores the intersection of American Indians with African Americans throughout our country's history. We saw documents of the ugliness of slavery, including a receipt for purchase of a 16 year old girl. We heard oral histories taken in the 1930s of African-American freed people (still called freemen, regardless of the womanhood of the person above, but I digress . . .) who were one enslaved by various tribes. (Ben had read many of these before, but I was riveted.) We read how families intertwined and culture overlapped. Both of us learned some pretty shocking things and some pretty encouraging things.

Examples . . . there were times when Native peoples and African slaves were enslaved side-by-side, and then fought their oppressors side-by-side. There were times when certain tribes owned African descended slaves themselves. There were times, even in recent history, when certain groups were quick to reinstate dividing lines between those groups, seeking 'pure' bloodlines and excluding African descendents from citizenship within the tribe. And there were times when groups worked together culturally, socially, and politically, for unity and positive change.

One display asked the question (paraphrased) "Why do people in power exploit others, and when will it end?" I wish we knew. There are more slaves living today than there were during the height of US slavery and legal slave trade--some estimates at 29.2 million. These slaves work in sweatshops, agriculture, manufacturing, housekeeping, massage parlors, nail salons, strip clubs, brothels, you name it. And despite our best efforts, our culture is designed such that you and I likely benefit from this ugliness on a regular basis.

I walked away with another perspective on how easy it is for people to segregate themselves and label the 'other,' if it benefits them. Let those people worry about themselves, I have enought to attend to. I also saw how beautiful it is when people cast those distinctions aside and come together--that is where true change can happen. One man, descended from both African slaves and a native group, shared that he was doubly strong because he had two blood lines--and this in a time when it was illegal for a White person to marry outside the race. There have been brave people throughout history who have changed the culture--even just the culture in their corner of the world--and made the world safer, brighter, and richer for it.

I want to be like that! What if we all were? Could we eradicate slavery in its current form? I believe we could, I really do.

So yes, we were inspired. And humbled.

And we are planning to commemorate Juneteenth each year, from now on.

Wednesday Wisdom

I grew up loving Anne of Green Gables, both the books and the Wonderworks movies on PBS. Not sure I can pinpoint why . . . was it her imagination? Her pluck? Her smarts? Or maybe it was the red hair. I know I loved her ability to love the people in her world, despite her circumstances. And I loved how those people grew to treasure her and all her uniqueness. My family and I would watch this together, over and over. It's no wonder I grew up to do the work I do.

So, out of Anne's mouth . . .

"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it . . . yet."

-Lucy Maud Montgomery

Long time, no write

Hi, Friends.

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written!

Why. Hmm . . . .

Sure, a lot has happened. Sure, I've been as busy as ever. Same old reasons we all have when we get behind.

Also, we have some new excitement around our home, with a little Clark expected to arrive in August.

We are feeling so blessed, and so humbled. And I am feeling so tired. :) But other than tired, I am feeling great! No complaints, just gratitude.

With this change, I am finding myself wanting less and less time with a computer on my lap. Between my work and keeping up with various other commitments, there is a LOT of computer time around here. You can't blame me if most nights hanging out with my husband and my kitties is a bit more appealing than hanging out with Blogger! :)

Also, I have been quite challenged in just living with this change in mind. Have you ever searched for fair trade maternity clothes? What about car seats, baby bedding, etc? It's rough out there! I have been looking and looking, and I'll be sharing some about this as the weeks go on. I've found my best bet so far is to go with secondhand and handmade as often as possible, and I am so thankful for generous people in my world who are willing to share. I've been trying to keep it simple, too, avoiding most of the clutter the big box stores seem to think we need.

I've also been thinking more and more about raising a child in a way that helps him be conscious about the world around him. Taking the parent role will be quite different from the professional role, but we're looking forward to it. So more to come on that topic, too.

So, all of this to say, I'm back! Don't be shocked if I write a bit less than when I began, but I hope to share a bit more in the coming months. I've missed you all! :)