It's April.

                                      APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
                                      Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
                                      Memory and desire, stirring
                                      Dull roots with spring rain.
                                                                  --T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land

It's April.
And if you haven't noticed, I haven't written a thing.

ToT Rewind: Busyness, Stillness

Flashback . . . ToT topic from September . . .

We're reflecting this week on The Busy Trap. Good reading from NY Times, I think. If you would rather not read, though, basically the author is considering whether or not all of our busy-ness is worthwhile. He asserts much of it is self-imposed, mindless clutter that may not always enhance our lives. I guess I agree.

ToT: Then and Now

I finally got around to reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Fascinating stuff, I think.  One interesting idea Gretchen encountered on her quest to become happier was that we are happiest doing the same things we did for fun when we were children, say age 10. In theory, as adults we are either too busy to worry about being happy or we're focused on what we think should make us happy, while as kids, we just lived it. I'll buy that, and it got me thinking . . .                                                                             

Together on Tuesday: Keeping in Touch

I am so thankful to have wonderful friends. And all of my friends have wonderfully full lives. I think of my friends so often--much more often than I make contact, and certainly more often than I see them. This week's Together on Tuesday topic has me thinking about creative ways to keep in touch.

Most people think I'm an extrovert. It's been this way all of my life. I'm comfortable enough in a crowd, I apparently smile a lot (so I'm told), and I talk way. too. much. But here's the thing: I'm not. I am not, nor do I think I have ever been, an extrovert. After a big to-do, I am found at home, crashing, either in solitude or with my even more introverted husband. I need my downtime to recharge--my theory is I have a deficit after my crazy-busy high school and college years (which went on for 3 degrees!). I never feel quite like myself in a big group of people--unless I have something keeping me busy, which is why I often end up in the kitchen. I have always preferred the intimacy of one-to-one conversation or a small gathering to the boisterous fun of a party.

I think this may be one reason why my friends don't really know each other too well . . . interesting. I tend to keep in touch with my friends one-on-one, for the most part. And while I love tradition, I realize that I have very few traditions with my friends. Time to change that, I think.

Being a mom changes everything (right?). I have my lovely little guy, and we have a ton of fun together, and he takes a LOT of time. But more than that, my schedule is completely rocked . . . I am still working on getting a rhythm going, balancing part-time work and mommyhood and other tasks. And I spend a lot of time with family, which I love. These days, seeing friends is requiring more planning and forethought than ever before.

One of the best friends a gal could ask for lives about 7 minutes away and has for most of my life. I love her to bits, and her family is pretty great too. We were in a pretty solid rhythm of hanging out about once a week, often with our husbands and her kiddo. The last year brought changes neither of us could have imagined . . . some amazing, and some beyond heartbreaking. We still stay in touch every way you can think of--phone chats, email, Facebook, and every week or so we grab some time together, but life has knocked us off of our old rhythm. We'll see what happens when her twins come and rock her world even more! We'll find a way, though. We always have, even after 27 years. Lucky, lucky me.

Another great friend I've been lucky enough to have since I was 12 has also had a whirlwind of a year. We are both so busy--for once, she is more than I am--and our Saturday brunches or Sunday afternoon football games have been fewer and farther between. Time to send a quick note. Then there are my out-of-town friends. One of the best outcomes of my crazy undergrad experience was another once-in-a-lifetime friendship. We haven't lived in the same town for 10 years now, but it doesn't matter. We trade voicemails a lot, and we trade a few weekends every year--either she comes here or I go to Chicago. I'm looking forward to Peanut's first of many trips to Lincoln Park Zoo this summer.

Then there are the social worky friends, current and former co-workers, for whom I am SO grateful. In my field, you need good people around who understand the craziness and can help keep your head up. One lovely lady I worked with a few years back started a book club with another of our friends and some great people from her current job, and we get together monthly to eat, catch up, and sometimes discuss the book :). We chat throughout the month as well, about everything from our family lives to just about every topic on this blog. In fact, conversations with her sparked Just Living.

What else . . . a few of us from high school used to have a monthly dinner club with our husbands, that was pretty fun (especially when we introduced them to a true Russian dinner party!). Different friends and I have different lunch dates we tend to recycle, which is kind of like a tradition, right? Now that I've joined the mommy club, I've connected with some other mamas in various settings, and it has been fun to trade tips and watch our babies grow. And who can forget Facebook, which I was so reluctant to join (as a closeted introvert) but which has proved pretty useful in keeping up and reconnecting with good people. If it wasn't for Facebook, I might not be in this Together on Tuesday brigade!

So as it turns out, maybe I have a few more traditions than I think I do, they are just simple--which is just the way I like it. I like finding rhythm in life, too, which is why settling into more regular contact sounds quite nice, I think. I am pretty stinkin' blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I want to make the most of that and show them just how much I appreciate them. :)

Check out Nan, Danielle, Michelle, and Charlotte to see how they keep up with the special people in their worlds.

Wednesday Wisdom

Today kind of chewed me up and spit me out. Actually, the whole week has been kind of rough. All in a day's work, really, but sometimes it becomes a bit much. A client was hospitalized, had to file a child abuse report, cussed out by a mental health patient, teenager joined a gang, a young lady is in a dangerous relationship, a client newly homeless, and I absorbed the full brunt of a 6-year-old meltdown. Not to mention lots of missed appointments and fresh budget cuts at work. This doesn't include my colleagues' icky weeks! All of this is manageable, and really there is more hope in each of these situations than this simple list would convey, it can just add up and weigh me down after awhile. My goal is to get through tomorrow without any yelling, swearing, or tears. I've made it so far, I just need my clients to get on board. Then we can get to work making things better!

In the meantime, as my lovely colleage Sarah says, quoting Finding Nemo like the brilliant child therapist she is,

Just keep swimming.

Sleepies

Hello, blog world!

Considering the ice capades of the last week (even church was closed today!), you'd think I would have found some time to blog. But I didn't! No Daily Detox this week. I didn't even post a Wednesday quote!

I had the best of intentions, but we ended up with some winter hibernation. Sure, I worked from home most of the week, but I also took some major breaks. Reading. Husband time. Lots of quiet. I felt like a cat!

Anyone who knew me way-back-when knows in the past, I might have used the snow days differently. I might have gone on an organizational/cleaning binge, staying up odd hours until the job is done. I might have caught up on the to-do list, regardless of how exhausted it left me. I might have gone on a crazy midnight escapade. A college roommate recently reminded me of my habit of waking up at 4 AM after a fun night to finish my homework. And in high school, there were a few of us who wore our sleep deficits as badges.

No more! I have now determined sleep is more important than self-made obligations. If I had learned that when I was younger, perhaps I could have gotten my tasks done faster, and better. Sleep is not for the weak or lazy! Without sleep, we're slower, dumber, grouchy, even less moral. Sleep is not just rest for the brain; the brain is super-busy while we sleep, integrating data from our day. Some studies show that loss of one night's sleep equates to 30% decrease in cognitive function. Wish I could have told that to my 11th grade over-achieving self!

Of course, when we're young, we think we're invincible. I probably wouldn't have listened anyway. And there are times in life where sleep seems like the ultimate luxury. This is the first time since I was a kid that I can remember being fully rested, and I have to say, it's pretty stinkin awesome! Better enjoy it while I can.

What does this have to do with just living? There is a lot to be said for taking good care of ourselves so we can do our part for the world. Every day I make important decisions for the families I work with, based on morals and ethics. I owe it to them to be at my best. Plus, there's a lot to be said for enjoying the simple gifts in life.

For some interesting reading on the human brain, check out Brain Rules by John Medina.

Happy Sabbath!

Daily Detox: Shabbat Shalom

Ben and I have been working toward a deeper understanding of rest, or Sabbath. Or, as our Jewish friends call it, Shabbat.

Our culture is SO busy. We're always moving, always striving, there's always something to accomplish or some information to learn. Even when we're sitting still, we're stuck to our screens for (sometimes false) connection to the outside world or stimulation. All of this commotion can leave us unconnected to who we are, to those we love, or to the divine.

Enter Sabbath--a truly un-American concept, at least in our times. I am still recovering from the notion that rest is selfish--and I know plenty of people who still hold that belief. But here's an interesting thought: Sabbath is the fourth commandment. Fourth! Before no killing, no adultery, and the like. Sounds like someone smarter than us knows what we need.

I'm not going to comment on the historical or doctrinal implications of Sabbath. That's not my expertise. But I know it is intended as a day of rest, a day to spend with the people we love, and a day to refocus on spiritual matters.

Selfish? I should hope not. How can we be our best selves and bring a light into the world if we are so weakened by busy-ness and blinded by self-importance? The world will go on spinning if we take a break. I promise. What good is our giving to people in our communities and around the world if we cannot even take the time to give to the people in our own families? How can we remain connected to our source and grow into who we are intended to be if we stay to busy to check in spiritually?

And so, a real day of rest and reflection is a necessary detox in our home. We've experimented with different ways to do this. We've stayed away from media (including computers, so you can see this is not today's approach). We've focused on friends and family. We've spent time in solitary reflection and chosen readings particular to the Sabbath. (Check out Abraham Heschel, for starts.) As it turns out, our best Sabbath comes with flow time--time with no schedule, where we can just be together, celebrate, and enjoy the simple things of life.

What about you? How do you rest, reset, detox day-to-day? However you do, we hope that everything is whole and complete, as it was intended to be. Shabbat Shalom!

empathy overload

I've always been an empathetic person. It's a strength and a weakness, as many things are. As a kid, I cried over worms getting eaten by birds. They just seemed so small and so scared; it wasn't their fault they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. And what about their families!? And so forth.

Empathy can be a beautiful thing. And if run wild, it can be a disaster.

I think the busy-ness of working multiple jobs and plowing through school numbed me a bit over the past few years. I had missed my wild and alive feelings and looked forward to being myself again. Be careful what you wish for . . .

I love my job, and I wouldn't trade it. Sometimes I am fully functioning and effective, and my empathetic tendencies serve my clients in the best way. I can see from their perspective, but step back and help them find effective ways to address their circumstances without feeling it personally. Many times, I can do that at work, but the feelings come home with me and linger. Sometimes, I am emotionally raw, and the enormity of everyone's feelings begins to overwhelm me. I'm there now.

So what do I do?

This is why Just Living in the little things is so important to me. I have been learning, and am still learning, that there is only so much of me to go around. I did not come to save the world, just to breathe a little warmth into my corner of it. If I am going to be who I was created to be, I have to nurture light and health for myself so I can share it with the world.

This week, I have my last retreat with The Journey, which came at a perfect time. I have spent a year with 19 other youth workers from all over Indiana as we seek to grow into our best selves, personally and professionally, for the sake of the youth we serve. I've learned more about nurturing my inner light this year than I have in my previous 30 (despite hearty efforts by my parents to help me keep my cool). I'm still struggling, and there will always be times when a child's horrifying experiences weigh on my soul. But they need me to continue to grow, and to keep myself strong, because for some of them I am among the only strength they can see.

So, I'm running away for a few days and I plan to return fresh, strong, and alive. I hope and pray the same for all of you.

No More Dirty Looks

For the last 6 years or so, natural and homemade personal care products have been the norm around here. Sadly, I found myself slowly compromising my standards for the sake of quality or convenience, thinking my lungs can probably handle a little bit of polymer (read:plastic!) from my hairspray . . . things like that. It was time for a reality check. Enter Siobhan and Alexandra from No More Dirty Looks.

Loved it! The book is so informative and readable--much more so than others I've read on the topic. I'm so glad Cara sent it my way. After tearing through my library copy, I had to buy it (secondhand, of course). It works like a handbook, with lists of dangerous ingredients as well as safer products they have tried. These ladies care about looking polished and professional, but not at the sake of their personal well-being (or negative effects on factory workers and the environment). I love that Alexandra has hair just like mine--it makes the information all the more valuable!

For example, did you know you can make hair gel out of aloe and hairspray out of lemons, water, and vodka? Did you know baking soda makes a refreshing facial scrub and coconut oil a soothing body moisturiser? Did you know that you shouldn't wash your hair daily and should only use soap sparingly?

If you're interested in caring for yourself and your planet, if you're interested in avoiding cancers, endocrine disruption, respiratory issues, or other yucky ailments, if you'd like to prevent oil spills, and if you'd like to look cute while doing it, I highly recommend this book. I've just ordered my first products on their recommendation: John Masters Sunscreen and La Vanilla fragrance. I'll keep you posted!

Fall, Food, and Family

After a few too many work-filled weekends, this weekend was dedicated to enjoying friends and family. I walked a half marathon Saturday with some great friends in the crisp (ok, COLD!) fall air, then hosted my in-laws for the weekend. I am blessed and thankful they are in my family! Sunday, our house was full as my grandmothers, parents, and friends who are like family joined us. Even though I am now home sick without a voice, I feel so much more alive than I would have if I worked all weekend!


We celebrated fall with yummy roasted vegetables and too much dessert. My grandma's granny smith apples were featured players in a homemade apple butter.

5 1/2 c apples, peeled and finely chopped (you can't beat home-grown granny smith!)
2 c sugar*
2 tsp ground cinnamon*
1/4 tsp ground cloves*
1/4 tsp salt

Throw everything in a slow cooker & cover. Cook on high for an hour, low for 9-11 hours, and then uncovered for another hour. Whisk if you want it smoother. That's it! It freezes great, and it is sooo yummy!

*Ideally, you would find fair trade sugar and spices, but I'm sad to say I have been struggling to find them readily available. Any tips, please let me know!

Part of walking humbly, for me, is taking the time to connect to the people I love and honor my roots. In my family, that is done through quality time together and food prepared with care and love. This feeds my soul and makes me a stronger person, all-around--and it allows me to do the same for beautiful people who have given so much in their lives. That is good for me, my family, the children and families I serve, and the world. Thank you to all of the wonderful people who made my weekend!

Going Home

I deal with the hard stuff of life on a daily basis at work and in other commitments. As much as I want to continue to learn about what's going on in the world, I have found myself drawn more and more to lighthearted entertainment. I can only tolerate so much complete and total fluff, so I find myself drawn frequently to memoir. I love to read something lighthearted, honest, heartfelt, and meaningful that offers some perspective from someone else's view while not taking itself to seriously.

In Russia, I read Mennonite in a Little Black Dress: A Memoir of Going Home.
I haven't laughed that hard in ages! Weaved with the hard truths of her adult life, Rhoda Janzen reflects on the life she's left and the life she's chosen with grace and humor. Her perspective on faith is honest and, at least for me, relatable. And her family is hilarious! If you are a person of faith/classical musician and can make it through the Classical Loon section without laughing yourself into tears, I don't know what else to offer. This book is highly recommended!

Releasing and Accepting

I'm decently OK at releasing and accepting things that are beyond my control--like Terrell Pryor's apparent injury unfolding during this OSU game. Ugh. But my perfectionistic tendencies sometimes keep me holding tightly to goals and responsibilities that have really very little to do with my daily happiness or positive impact on the world.



I've been working on accepting adequate when adequate will do, with limited success. I can't tell you how many late nights my husband has endured because I want to try just one more thing or I don't quite like what I've done so far. It's a family trait, I think, and it comes from a good place. I really like doing good work! I really like learning the best way to do things and taking the time to do things right. I enjoy the process. But no one can do everything. There are times when my approach serves the common good and times when it causes more harm.

Example: I registered for a November half marathon. I've run 3 half marathons and I thought it was about time to do another. My strongest running trait is mental strength for distances, so it seems like I should be running distances. But, I don't really like running--at least, not enough to devote the hours required for half marathon training. Nonetheless, I returned from Russia determine to train for the half in just 6 weeks.

My husband patiently waited for me to realize that is pretty stupid.

I'm no super-athlete, but I enjoy staying in shape. I love yoga. I like kick-boxing. I like walks, I like the occasional short run. I like strength training, I like pilates. I have a really, really hard time gearing up for a long training run. I spend the whole time thinking of what else I could be doing, and I sacrifice my Saturday yoga to run. Not to mention the risk of overtraining injury, since it's been awhile since I've trained regularly.

So why the heck should I train so hard? I am going to run the 5k instead, and I am going to enjoy it. I am releasing my self-imposed obligation to the half-marathon and accepting that it's OK to be a casual runner.

Seems small, I know. But it's helping me enjoy the day-to-day and live in the moment, which makes me a better person for the people around me. And the same principle applies to bigger things, like my work with my clients or my kiddos in Russia. I can impact global injustice and individual healing, but so much of it is beyond my control. Releasing the burden and accepting my role frees me to love well without fear. I'm still learning, but I accept that. :)

Mmmmassage

I've been over-stressing my body for years, I am sad to say. Last year, it responded by diminishing my breathing ability to less than 80%. Once my doctor helped me get that under control, my heart rate increased. Basically, my body was over-producing stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline, etc) at such a high rate that I could no longer process them. The stress I chose to live in was manifesting in my body as fight or flight response, but I didn't need to do either! The excess energy translated into anxiety. ICK.

So, my body was doing what my mind would not: demanding I take better care of myself. This year has been a journey in just that. It's ridiculous, but I had to get over the idea that taking care of myself is selfish. By reframing being my best self as a job responsibility, I started prioritizing things like sleep, fun, and relaxation. I am getting glimpses of myself as a better person, and I like it.

At this point, any non-pharmaceutical intervention that lowers cortisol is a worthy investment. I am trying different approaches to see what works well for me. I've started practicing yoga again, reading for fun, and spending more time at home. I've even been to the spa twice in the last year--which more than doubles my previous number of visits! A good friend (who's a genius nutrition scientist) recently suggested regular massage. It sounds like such a luxury, and quite honestly, for many people it is. But health and wellness should not be luxuries! Massage is good for my mind, body, and spirit, and recent studies have proven its ability to lower cortisol. I am definitely willing to try it!

I still feel a need to justify this as a necessary medical intervention. But really, why should I? Last I checked, taking a Sabbath is in the top tier of the 10 commandments. It's required! And for me, taking time to myself and releasing muscle tension feeds my soul. Really, taking care of myself is teaching me about walking humbly. By accepting support and nurturing from others, I am becoming stronger. And I am so thankful!